psychological conflict

There is a great psychological conflict inside of me constantly. The different ideas, different philosophies, different feelings swarming my mind constantly clash for dominance. They all want to rule my mind, yet they all seem to be equal in power. At one moment I wish to devote my life to the Universe, or to God, and spread the New Tesament and advocate for peace and the abolishment of state. The next moment I want to burn the whole world to the ground, and the next I feel the presence of God, but also feel His eyes turned from me. I recognize my own loneliness and see that I'm just another forgotten child of God, on a path of death and self destruction, one which will never end until I die and God continues to look away as the fiery pits of hell eat me alive. At every moment, my ideas change. One moment I am the good christianarchist, and the next I am an egoist. In truth, I just want for one side to win at this point. I do not care what part of me takes over, I just want for the conflict to be over. Unfortunately, this will never happen. A part of the madness which I have trapped myself in consists of being incapable of making up my own mind, or coming to any genuine conclusions. I am certain to contradict everything I say just a moment after having said it, and believing both at the same time. However, I do seem to stray from Orwell's rule of doublethink. Even though my ideas constantly change and alter, and my beliefs change with them, I never fall victim to the inability to think critically due to believing two contradictory things at once. This is a part of the paradox which I must live in every day. I do not understand anything, and yet I understand everything because of that. I do truly understand the concepts in my mind, yet I cannot make up my mind about them. When I recognize that faith is the only possible answer which fits with rationality, I then rationalize that I only decided that subjective rationale because it fits with what I want at the moment. I then argue with myself for hours on end for days repeating. This is my life. I just want to fucking make up my mind about what I believe or what the world is. Everything makes just enough sense for nothing to make sense. I pray that I shall come to a better understanding in the years to come, but I also hope that my conclusions do not leave me embittered or in pain. In truth, I probably am constantly hoping for the christianarchist side to win; yet, I cannot make up my mind because the post-Nietzchean Tyler Durden-esque ways of thinking collude with Egoism to appeal to the anger and logic in my brain at the same time, while the christianarchist appeals to the more "positive" parts (though I am severely lacking in actual positivity in the sense that modern society has deemed proper positivity to be so) and the logical parts. I know too much to know anything, and yet I do not know anything.

In addition, I continuously struggle with being true to "myself". I find that no matter what I believe, I end up believing something else I've read. Thinking for myself leads to even more confusion. Though I know that everything is a copy of something else, and good things merely build upon something they've copied, I still struggle with this. When I build upon the literature I have consumed, I am left with even more conflict in myself. I believe that I will uncover the truth someday, with enough thought. I may even be on the verge of self-discovery and having even a shred of true understanding of life, but I still cannot be certain. I feel as though I am in a state of great mental weakness, and that my youth is leading me down a path of depravity and hatred. I honestly do not know what I want, whether I seek out a life of authenticity or of destruction and hedonism. In the days to come, I am sure to realize more about myself; how much, however, is still a question I am yet to discover the answer to.

Leave us to ourselves, without a book, and we'll immediately get confused, lost--we won't know what to join, what to hold to, what to love and what to hate, what to respect and what to despise.

Fyodor Dostoevsky, Notes from Underground